September 14, 2010
It’s 8 months today since we lost our beautiful Barney. 8 months since we last touched him, kissed him and cuddled him. 8 long months and it’s not getting any easier.
I miss everything about him. Winter is fast approaching and I know I’m going to miss the muddy paw-prints that used to make a real mess of the tiled kitchen floor, the muddy paw-prints that used to stain our carpets and the muddy paw-prints that sometimes ended up on our duvet cover. I already miss the hair that used to carpet our floors and gave me reason to hoover two, sometimes three times a day. I miss tripping over my little bundle of black, furry energy.
He’s everywhere. He’s spoken about daily. Luke mentions him every single day at breakfast. Whether he remembers Barney or not, remains to be seen, or if his ‘memories’ are through the pictures that decorate most walls in this house, shelves and our fridge and through the chat that he hears between Matt and I. Who knows. I hope he does remember him. He asks to kiss his box every day, because he witnesses me doing it. It may be his ashes but to me it’s the one thing I can touch and feel close to him in some way.I don’t care if people think that is weird. It’s what I want to do.
Barely anything of his has been moved in this house. His collars that have been collected over the years, and then retired when he got a new one (most Christmases), are still hanging from the airing cupboard door handle. His bed remains on the floor next to our bed where he slept his entire life in this house. His toys have been put away in a box because we had to collect them from all over the house, garden and car. I didn’t want to lose the smell of him from those things and didn’t want anyone else touching them so they were stored safely. His shampoo is still sitting on the side of the bath and I smell that frequently because he always smelled so fresh due to needing baths so often.
I don’ t think I will ever move these things. I don’t see a need to.
All I can hope for is that this winter brings some snow. Why? Because Barney loved the snow and snow for us is now associated with him. Some of my fondest memories of him are of through the years when it snowed. My final memory is not so fond. His final footsteps were on snowy ground and I will never forget that.
I miss you Barney. My heart is still entirely broken.